Strengths:

This story clearly demonstrates that you have taken a lot of notice of some of the grammar strategies we covered in class. You use a variety of adverbials and some noun phrases too.

Advice:

What you need to work on is your sentence structuring. You tend to run your sentences together, or connect them using commas rather than full-stops. At this stage my advice is for you to be conservative, and when in doubt, make it a complete sentence.

It’s interesting that Cai’s feedback mentioned this – did you read it and ask him what he meant by it?

Advanced Advice

One thing that I want to ask is: why did you avoid using any subordinate clauses or relative clauses in your piece? Since you successfully created these in class activities – what do you think it was that stopped you going back to your piece and developing some of the sentences that you’d written?

Also, did you consider all the senses in your dscription? A few opportunities may have been missed there as well.

Here is your original work with my annotations:

[gview file=”https://ramone.student.edutronic.net/files/2012/12/Ramone.pdf” save=”1″]